My Secret Valentine

Lacey Chabert and Will Kemp in Christmas Waltz

Hallmark’s Christmas Waltz premiered last night. Lacey Chabert and Will Kemp were paired once before in Love, Romance, and Chocolate (I kind of vaguely remember him as a Genovian Prince so it might be 3 times). IMDB had 1,175 people rate it for an average 6.8 out of 10. That seems a little generous to me, okay a lot generous. I gave it a 5 of 10, and that’s generous. I remember watching how it ended last night and thinking, “That’s the dumbest climax I’ve ever seen.” (and this is from someone who thinks L Chabert is the most desirable woman in the world) You have to know Hallmark. Their formula is to have two people meet, hate each other for 90 minutes, discover they love each other for 20 minutes, then have an argument at 10 till the hour when they go to commercial, come back, resolve it and kiss promptly at 8:59. Roll credits.

The night before , 5 Star Christmas was a breakthrough of sorts for them. It actually had something of an entertaining plot and the thoroughly enjoyable Victor Webster. The wild and crazy retired Dad has started up a B&B with shaky results, so the whole family decides to take on the role of employees and false identities. Laughter and hijinks ensue. (Oh my God I just discovered there were 535 Hallmark movies) They all have the same formula, and about 10 overcome them with incredible chemistry or good writing. That leaves about 525 bad ones.

Its the formula that bothers me, why would you do that? You’re supposed to be a professional production unit, and every movie is the same? I just don’t get that. You just change sets and insert different actors. It doesn’t stretch them, it doesn’t stretch the directors, nobody grows. I can name the ones that standout. Love in Paradise with Luke Perry. A Country Wedding with Jesse Metcalfe and Autumn Reeser. There was one I haven’t been able to find the name of yet. It was were 2 childhood sweethearts when they were 10, meet 25 years later and don’t recognize each other. My Secret Valentine with Lacey Chabert and Andrew Walker.

I used to think any thing with Lacey Chabert in it was watchable. Not so much anymore. I see how they waste her. They’ve taken her to Africa, Italy, Belgium, England (Genovia), and they always manage to muck it up. Pairing her with these people like Will Kemp with no discernible chemistry. I don’t understand it. The Italy one really hurt, it had screen legend Franco Nero in a completely wasted part. It was like when TV shows went to Hawaii and were required by State Law to have Don Ho in the episode. When the chemistry is absent like that I don’t know who to blame. The writer? The director? The actors? That’s about the only ones I can think of. Mysteries bother me. I like to be able to figure things out.

Its strange how it works. Luke McFarlane, Brandon Penney, Tyler Hynes seem like so-so’s. But then my favorites like Victor Webster and Ryan Paevey can fail just as easily with the wrong women. Andrew Walker made Lacey’s best movie, never saw that coming. Maybe it is the actors? Luke Perry transcended it all. Or maybe its the directors fault for not holding out and demanding a good take? Who knows? But frankly, what Hallmark is doing is sealing their own fate. They’ve been doing the same formula for over 10 years. Lackluster writing for over 10 years. Uninspired acting for over 10 years. Don’t blame us when people quit watching.

Oh and how could I forget Paul Campbell and Hilarie Burton in Surprised by Love! That one makes me think its a group effort: writing, directing, acting. Yeah trying to figure out why 1 gem comes along after a dozen dogs will drive you crazy. (in this one Paul Campbell plays a very likeable character named ‘Gridley’. What makes 1 person likeable and another not?)

Okay there’s just one, Lacey Nicole Chabert (September 30, 1982, Purvis, Mississippi), nuff said. She shouldn’t be that attractive, she just is. She’s equal to 10 mortal women. I watch her in all those Hallmark movies. Sure she’s not nineteen anymore, but just as smoking in a different way.

In Hallmark’s ‘My Secret Valentine‘ (Andrew Walker as “Handyman”) there’s a scene towards the end of the film where they eat carryout in the truck down at the beach at sunset. Unlike most American film they used mostly natural light in that scene. The golden light was so warm and caressing to her features (okay it even helped Andy). It reminded me of another film, one from 1950 called, ‘Annie Get Your Gun‘ with Betty Hutton and Howard Keel. There’s a scene where the 2 are outside on the end of the train about to kiss at sunset. I think they’re supposed to be going through Arizona or Oklahoma at twilight. Its hard to explain great light. You see it a lot more in French and Italian films. Now in Lacey’s film, it completely enhanced her appearance, if that’s possible (but then she could shave her head and get out of bed without makeup and be the most beautiful woman in Hollywood). I’ll put an example of neat light below. Its not the same light as in the film, but it gives you an idea. There are photographers who won’t shoot outdoors after 10 am, or before 5 pm. Its the angle of the light, its the temperature of the light, its the color of the light. Its affected by the type and amount of clouds its coming through. If its bouncing off water, snow or sand. The humidity, the amount of trees. ‘Sounder‘ (1972) also had some great light.